The Human Side Of Cannibalism

Cannibalism has been practiced as a regional cuisine throughout the centuries, sometimes because people were starving during the fall of a civilization and couldn’t run any more, and sometimes just because they felt like it. Now with the upcoming apocalypse bearing down on us cannibalism is looking to make a comeback, supplanting foam and other foods with color and texture as the next bougie fashion fad we’re all dying to get in on.

Wikipedia defines cannibalism as the act or practice of humans eating the flesh or internal organs of other human beings and tells us that

A person who practices cannibalism is called a cannibal.

It’s true if it’s on the internet.

Cannibalism Today!

With the decline in average wages cannibalism is slowly and steadily gaining in popularity. Cannibalist dinner parties are becoming more frequent and are something of an open secret in New York and Washington DC. Florida is of course rife with cannibals and leads the way in this new-old-new culinary craze! Being invited to a cannibal dinner party means you’ve arrived on the local foodie scene, and special attention must be paid when selecting the wine to bring to your hosts. You wouldn’t want to disappoint them, the consequences could be severe.

Pairing Wine with Long Pig

I think Zinfandel is recommended to pair with pork if it’s grilled. Just avoid eating any vegans if you can help it. I hear they’re gamey and dry.

Mike Beatty, wine professor/aspiring cannibal.

Mammals are always red meat, so you’ll want a red wine, and long pig is super dry so you’ll want a red wine that goes with that. Read a book or something. If you’re bringing it to a dinner party then the most important thing is that the label says your family can afford lots of guns and knows where you went to dinner.

Cannibalism And The Environment

These days, we all need to do our part in pretending the environment can be saved. Luckily, cannibalism is super environmentally friendly. Taking another human being out is one of the best things you can do for porpoises everywhere, because that person will never again throw away your microwave meal trays into the ocean. Also, carbon! Whatever that is.

Eating a 180lb human being can save as much as 180lb of carbon.

The Good Food Guide

Neurological Disorders And Other Minor Downsides

According to the meat board only cows get mad cow disease from eating other cows. In humans it’s just called prion disease so that’s fine then. That means the only down-side to cannibalism is it’s really a young-person’s game. If you’re old enough to have money or bad knees and worry that you’re too dry for the next generation of capitalists, you should think about sending your money to people fighting to keep cannibalism from going mainstream, like the ACLU, Greenpeace, The Good Law Project, Rainbow Railroad, Sense or if you have to, me. I mean, I’m thinking about it. I’ll probably do something. It is very dry, after all.